||[Dec. 16th, 2003|02:46 pm]
depression seems to come back again. |
i haven't feed the dog yesterday and he was starving and i felt so bad that i had to fill two bowls of dog food. i haven't eat anything yesterday, too.....just a cold glass of soy milk. i played with zander until he is very sleepy. he is sleeping right now. he look much alike me. i used to have huge eyes when i was baby. people would stop and tell my mother how lucky that she was to have a such beautiful baby. right now, we are falling apart....my mother haven't called me. i have to call her to get her to talk to me. she is still not accepting the life that i chose. she want me to be on her path and i decided to leap over to other path. i chose that kind of life i have now...a career, mother, and wife. i am happy but depression just had began. not because of the life that i am living right now.....it is because all the past that never been solve and it is still haunting me. a past with my mother, my father, my sister, and my old friends. when no one is around and it is very quiet in the house, i would just cry and cry until i run out of the tears....or sometimes i would bit my fingers with shame.
who says that truth shall set me free? i think it is full of shit. i told my mother a truth and she had became colder and meaner....does that set me free? a truth to be told to my father, he can't even look at me. does that set me free? to my sister, i can't say.
the only person who doesn't look at me with shameful..was my husband. i told him the story of my life, the truth, and the pains that i've suffered. he doesn't smirk or roll his eyes. this is real person who understand me. he set me free. i wished that he could just look through my world in my eyes and he will understand....and he understood. i am blessed to have him.
biting my fingers with shame....i felt shame because i looked at the mirror and i didn't see my face....it was a face of my mother's. her face will show up when i sip beer or a glass of red wine. these reminded me of her. as a child, i use to search the truth from my mother's eyes because eyes never lie. we deveploved a secret language of love by being silence and money. This is how i needed someone to speak the language of love. this is how i met steven....he speaks. his hands are full of love, not the money. his words are full of love, not the silence. living in house with my parents for nineteen years, million of meaningless conservations. if i keep living in the cold house, i will be dying.....just like the cancer..attacking the cells, making a person dying and dieing slowly. this is how i survived....chosing my own path, not my mother's.