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(no subject) [Sep. 26th, 2004|05:21 pm]
suicide notes
I was angry with one of my close friends who disrespected me other night. I know what her benefits are and she knows mine, so I respect her. We discussed about what if our kids are homosexual and lesbians in the future and she said that she will not allow to let her son to live under her roof, support him, or spend some time with him...because she is very strong christian and believes that same sex is sin. I stated my opinion that my son is not allow to live under my roof if he decide to be homosexual but I will allow him to come for dinner or anything. But I will not support him. If he is happy with what he is, I'll be happy. I will be there for him, but will not support him. My friend thought it was very disgusting of me. It hurt my feelings because I respect her and never say any negative about her opinions. Don't know if I can speak to her again.
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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2004|01:27 pm]
suicide notes
copied from miserablelie

(god, i love survey...)

first best friend/s = angela
first job = t.j maxx
first screen name = skunkpie
first self purchased cd = green day
first funeral: never attent to the funeral
first piercing/tattoo = my nose...left nostail, periced
first enemy = allen wislon
first big trip = bahamas

last car ride = to publix
last good cry = last saturday
last library book checked out = yoga/pilates
last beverage drank = diet coke
last food consumed = vegetables soup
last phone call = the electric company...to pay a bill
last time showered = last night
last shoes worn = worn-out tennis shoes
last song played = don't remember?
last annoyance = dropped my house key into mud poud...took me 30 minutes to find it
last time you had sex = two days ago

describe your
wallet = genius leather, lime color...made from CK.
underwear = white cotton panties
tattoos = a black cat on my left upper arm, wings on my upper back, buddha on my left calve
room = plain...plain
girlfriend: don't have one
parents = haven't spoke with them for three months

this or that
[boxers or briefs] =
[plaid or striped] = plaid
[salt or pepper] = salt
[okay, ok, or o.k.] = ok
[bright colors or dark colors] = dark
[tic-tacs or certs] = tic-tacs
[sunshine or rain] = sunshine
[rain or snow] = rain
[sun or moon] = both
[silver or gold] = silver
[silk, cotton, or flannel sheets] = cotton
[preps or freaks] = freaks
[popcorn-with or w/out butter] = with
[ketchup, mayo, mustard, or relish]= ketchup, mayo and relish
[shampoo + conditioner in one or separate] = separete

if you were ____ what would it be?
an animal = snake
a fruit = strawberry
a vegetable = carrot
a color = maroon
a bug = butterfly

short answer
are you smart? = not street smart
do you like onions? nope
what instruments can you play? = violin
what words do you overuse? = No! (uses that word often to my son)
do you sleep with socks on? = never
are you ticklish? = yes, he hee
are you shy? = only if i don't know you
do you talk to yourself? = yes, not often
do you have a basement or an attic? = attic
did you go to preschool? = yes
are you a morning person? = no

you touched?: steven, my husband
you talked to?: lori
you hugged?: steven
you instant messaged?: tonya
you kissed?: steven
you yelled at?: uh, don't remember
you thought about?: zander, my son
who text messaged you?: nope
who broke your heart?: lewis and murphy
who told you they loved you?: steven and zander
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Yup...I am back....again. [Sep. 5th, 2004|01:20 pm]
suicide notes
i disappeared once and then i came back. so many things going on now in my life. i gained 10 pounds. my son is one now. he like saying, "ma ma ma. pa pa pa. stop stop." i let my hair grow pass my shoulders. i got more tattoos. steven and i are still going strong....married for two years now. i finally completed my degree as medical billing speacltist but still haven't find a job for it yet. i'm currently working at barnes and noble.............

i think it's all. *shrugs*
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(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2004|04:14 pm]
suicide notes
that fucking medications are making me sick. my son discovered his toes today. there's three overdue bills on the desk. i haven't smoked since i found out i was pregnant. i think i'm going to lose my mind. time for a nap.
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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2003|02:46 pm]
suicide notes
depression seems to come back again.

i haven't feed the dog yesterday and he was starving and i felt so bad that i had to fill two bowls of dog food. i haven't eat anything yesterday, too.....just a cold glass of soy milk. i played with zander until he is very sleepy. he is sleeping right now. he look much alike me. i used to have huge eyes when i was baby. people would stop and tell my mother how lucky that she was to have a such beautiful baby. right now, we are falling apart....my mother haven't called me. i have to call her to get her to talk to me. she is still not accepting the life that i chose. she want me to be on her path and i decided to leap over to other path. i chose that kind of life i have now...a career, mother, and wife. i am happy but depression just had began. not because of the life that i am living right now.....it is because all the past that never been solve and it is still haunting me. a past with my mother, my father, my sister, and my old friends. when no one is around and it is very quiet in the house, i would just cry and cry until i run out of the tears....or sometimes i would bit my fingers with shame.

who says that truth shall set me free? i think it is full of shit. i told my mother a truth and she had became colder and meaner....does that set me free? a truth to be told to my father, he can't even look at me. does that set me free? to my sister, i can't say.

the only person who doesn't look at me with shameful..was my husband. i told him the story of my life, the truth, and the pains that i've suffered. he doesn't smirk or roll his eyes. this is real person who understand me. he set me free. i wished that he could just look through my world in my eyes and he will understand....and he understood. i am blessed to have him.

biting my fingers with shame....i felt shame because i looked at the mirror and i didn't see my face....it was a face of my mother's. her face will show up when i sip beer or a glass of red wine. these reminded me of her. as a child, i use to search the truth from my mother's eyes because eyes never lie. we deveploved a secret language of love by being silence and money. This is how i needed someone to speak the language of love. this is how i met steven....he speaks. his hands are full of love, not the money. his words are full of love, not the silence. living in house with my parents for nineteen years, million of meaningless conservations. if i keep living in the cold house, i will be dying.....just like the cancer..attacking the cells, making a person dying and dieing slowly. this is how i survived....chosing my own path, not my mother's.
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(no subject) [Dec. 8th, 2003|11:31 am]
suicide notes

thats what i feel like today.

too creepy.

for no reason.

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(no subject) [Nov. 20th, 2003|04:39 pm]
suicide notes
i remember alaric said;

"i wish i could crawl my knees and my hands on the hot sand, crawling into the ocean until i reach to the bottom of the ocean and begin to cry underwater....so that no one can see my tears."
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(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2003|03:33 pm]
suicide notes
my son spoke the very first word at night from his crib...."hello." strange but it was perfect...just hello. simply. my husband made a habit, pressed his lips on my belly and saying hello for nine months....my son must heard it and remember it. he is only four months.
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(no subject) [Jul. 31st, 2003|05:47 pm]
suicide notes
as i looked over to the vase of red roses....wondering how long I left them dying. the leaves were brown....the roses become black. too despressing and i had to throw them out.
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(no subject) [Jul. 24th, 2003|07:17 pm]
suicide notes
You will commit suicide. All the pain you've
suffered through will finally consume you and
you'll follow through with it.

How Will You Die?
brought to you by Quizilla

ohh, lalala.
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